23rd Oct 2007.
- 7am.
Received call from my grandfather. Asking my dad to rush down to house. Say grandmother not feeling well....
-7.45 - 8am.
Finally reached grandmother place after heavy traffic jam with rain. Realized she has passed away. 2 police officers were standing by the door... and i just realized that in the front carpark... was just my dads car and the police car...
I think i finally know the reason why our body is warm... though i might be warm due to my fats... but its still warm... When i saw my grandmother... i just cant say anything but tears just flow down my face... It was just too sudden... But when i hold her hands... it was that bitter silent coldness that no words can describe...
She just laid there... as though as if she was sleeping... the maid was beside crying... and my grandfather was just beside telling everyone about what has happened... but no one seems to be listening...
She woke up early this morning and getting ready for dialysis's... complained about backache and the usual stuff... changed her clothes... and laid on bed as usual while waiting for the time to be fetched to the center... She asked the maid over and mumbled something about going home... the maid went to do her washing... and when she return... thats all it says... the cold dead silence in the room and her sleeping there...
Why didnt I called the ambulance in the morning to check her out? Why didnt my grandfather did ANYTHING? Why it was all still all right the last time i see her? Why was it raining and jamming all the way? Why 23rd Oct? Why..........................
Tons of questions are in the head... but none can be answered... as we all stood in the room... filled with sadness...
I took a few deep breath... and proceed back to work... I had no choice... i cant let this affect me... was back @ MFA around 9.30 and started work... I am glad that my bosses and colleague showed utmost concern... they even ask me if i need the day off and get some compassionate leave... but that makes me even more determined to at least continue the day... at least....
My boss gave me some "pei kim"... that makes me even more sad and ashamed... i just don feel right...
Worked on a small bug... and managed to fixed it... though it was my first amendment, i do not feel happy or anything about it... just the feeling in the morning...
Came back to my grandmother place... everything was set up properly... everyone was there... she laid there silent as usual... i changed to my white shirt, wear the blue tag, and lit the joss stick... the mood was heavy... like i said... no one really expected it... stayed there till everyone leaves... until i got notice that my ah gor is coming back tonight as was overseas due to some business... i just stayed there... and just stared into space...
2.30am...24th Oct 2007...
Nigel called me and ask me to prepare for my ah gor... she just cried all the way... kneeling... ke tou... begging for forgiveness... its the 2nd time she left her side... but she did not make it this time... the kuei chap that they eat every weekend... all gone... in just like that... worse still... my grandmother has not taken her breakfast before she left... but like what my supervisor said... at least she went very peacefully... no struggle... noting...
The maid also came crying... begging for forgiveness for not taking care of my grandmother... everyone was crying... supporting each other... sorry... sorry... was all that is heard in the night...
My ah gor lit the joss stick... telling my grandmother that she will not cry... its all just a matter of words... who wont... in that scene...
I drove back home to freshen up and get ready for another day... strangely enough... 23rd was the maid birthday... 24th was mine... 25th was my ah gor husband... and 30rd was my mothers birthday... all these...... i dont know how it adds up... but it just made me feel more sad... though my birthday is usually a small scale... sometimes... we do do a get-together to celebrate...
I dont know how i am going to get to work later... maybe just put on a smile and treat as if noting has happened... but no matter how strong i am outside... i believe everyone has a weaker core...
Oh well... what can i say... i dont know why i am writing this is the middle of the morning... but yea... let me get some sleep... if i can...
Peace my grandmother... though we seldom talk... cause usually i be dead asleep in the living room... but.... yea....its just too sudden to have any closed ones parting... forever...
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